The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.

I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

If you want to know how a man stands, go among the people who are in his same business.

The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'

The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got.

Everyone wants to vote for the best and most qualified man, but he never runs for office.