There is a terrible lot of us who don't think that we come from a monkey, but if there are some people who think that they do, why, it's not our business to rob them of what little pleasure they might get out of imagining it.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Labor leaders don't do much laboring after they are able to lead.

Harvard students have completed more English courses and less forward passes than any school in this generation.

The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn't still be a farmer.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.