There is a terrible lot of us who don't think that we come from a monkey, but if there are some people who think that they do, why, it's not our business to rob them of what little pleasure they might get out of imagining it.

Real estate is the best investment in the world because it is the only thing they're not making any more.

The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'

In politics practically everything you hear is scandal, and besides, the funny thing is that the things they are whispering ain't half has bad as the things they have been saying right out loud.

The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.