It's the fellow who knows when to quit that the audience wants more of.

America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to a select few.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

In politics practically everything you hear is scandal, and besides, the funny thing is that the things they are whispering ain't half has bad as the things they have been saying right out loud.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.

That's the trouble with a politician's life-somebody is always interrupting it with an election.

Take me ham away, take away my eggs, even my Chili, but leave me my newspaper.