Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Americans are getting like a Ford car, they all have the same exact parts, the same upholstering and make exactly the same noises.

The South is dry and will vote dry. That is, everybody that is sober enough to stagger to the polls will.

A liberal is a man who wants to use his own ideas on things in preference to generations who he knows know more than he does.

The French couldn't hate us any more unless we helped 'em out in another war.