Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to a select few.

The best way out of a difficulty is through it.

The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'

We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.

The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights.

There is one guaranteed formula for failure, and that is to try to please everyone.