Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn't still be a farmer.

If you want to know when a war might be coming, you just watch the U.S. and see when it starts cutting down on its defenses. It's the surest barometer in the world.

There is no more interesting place in the world to meet characters than a movie set.

Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

There is one thing about Englishmen, they won't fix anything till it's just about totally ruined. You couldn't get the English to fix anything at the start. No! They like to sit and watch it grow worse. Then, when it just looks like the whole thing has gone up Salt Creek, why, the English jump in and rescue it.