If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.

The only thing that can stop hair from falling ... is the floor.

American invents everything, but the trouble is we get tired of it the minute the new is wore off.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

We are all ignorant. We are just ignorant about different things.