You know, women always could endure more than men. Not only physically, but mentally - did you ever get a peek at some of the husbands?

The US is safest when Congress is in recess.

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?

Americans are getting like a Ford car, they all have the same exact parts, the same upholstering and make exactly the same noises.

Politicians are just a bunch of local bandits, sent by their local voters to raid the public treasury.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.