Some guy invented Vitamin A out of a carrot. I'll bet he can't invent a good meal out of one.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

You have to have a serious streak in you, or you can't see the funny side of the other fellow.

I don't know how a lot of these nations existed as long as they have till we could get some of our people around and show 'em how to be good and pure like us.

There is one guaranteed formula for failure, and that is to try to please everyone.

Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.

Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison.