Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Nobody wants his cause near as bad as he wants to talk about his cause.

What would we say if the Chinese sent a gunboat with their marines up the Mississippi River claiming they were protecting their laundries in Memphis?

Some guy invented Vitamin A out of a carrot. I'll bet he can't invent a good meal out of one.

It's the fellow who knows when to quit that the audience wants more of.

Politicians are just a bunch of local bandits, sent by their local voters to raid the public treasury.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.