Harvard students have completed more English courses and less forward passes than any school in this generation.

Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison.

The stock market has spoiled more appetites than bad cooking.

Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge.

You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.

The Republicans have a habit of having three bad years and one good one, and the good one always happens to be election years.

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. Never miss a good chance to shut up.