Ignorance lies not in the things you don't know, but in the things you know that ain't so.

You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

Politicians are just a bunch of local bandits, sent by their local voters to raid the public treasury.

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.

America is the first country where people go to the poor house in their car.