Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge.

Will Rogers used to say he wouldn't run for president no matter how badly the country needed a comedian.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.

The minute a thing is long and complicated, it confuses. Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made 'em short. They may not always be kept, but they are understood.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.