Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge.

There is one thing about Englishmen, they won't fix anything till it's just about totally ruined. You couldn't get the English to fix anything at the start. No! They like to sit and watch it grow worse. Then, when it just looks like the whole thing has gone up Salt Creek, why, the English jump in and rescue it.

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back

We know lots of things we didn't use to know but we don't know any way to prevent 'em from happening.

When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.