Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge.

The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out.

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Ignorance lies not in the things you don't know, but in the things you know that ain't so.

When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.

In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.