Everyone is a self-made man. Only the successful admit it.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'

Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.