There are three types of men in the world. One type learns from books. One type learns from observations. And one type just has to urinate on the electric fence himself.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

That's the trouble with our charities; we are always saving somebody away off, when the fellow next to us ain't eating.

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

Some say, what is the Salvation of the Movies? I say, run 'em backwards. It can't hurt 'em and it's worth a trial.

Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison.