Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out.

Nobody wants to be called common people, especially common people.

If you feel the urge, don't be afraid to go on a wild goose chase. What do you think wild geese are for anyway?

I'll bet you the time ain't far off when a woman won't know any more than a man.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

A man that don’t love a horse, there is something the matter with him.