A man only learns by two things; one is reading and the other is association with smarter people.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.

A man that don’t love a horse, there is something the matter with him.

There are two things I don't care how smart you are, you will never understand. One is an alienist's testimony, and the other is a railroad timetable.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

Common sense ain't common.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.