You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.

Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday

A general philosophy of the female characters in my films is they all want something to believe in, and not having anything.

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be."

The most important words in the English language are not 'I love you' but 'it's benign.'