Ninety percent of life is just showing up.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

What people who don't write don't understand is that they think you make up the line consciously — but you don't. It proceeds from your unconscious. So it's the same surprise to you when it emerges as it is to the audience when the comic says it. I don't think of the joke and then say it. I say it and then realize what I've said. And I laugh at it, because I'm hearing it for the first time myself.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.