I'm proud of The Hangover, but to be in movies like this, which are really the only places I can get work, it's really quite the opposite of what I am. I like sensitive art-house movies. I'm not even much of a partier. I mean, I'll drink myself into oblivion alone in my car.

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.

If you see something, say something.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."