I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.