I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.

There was a long time where I was an "artist" in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.

I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.