That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life.