You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

If you see something, say something.

The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.