I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.