I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.

I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!