I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions.

I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me'. Being popular is poison.

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.