Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.

That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.