Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me'. Being popular is poison.

When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.

There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life.