Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.