I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.