Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

I think if you come out to California trying to be an actor, it's pretty hard. There's desperation. A lot of people are desperate, and a lot of people are clueless, including me. It's hard to try to figure it out. I've never told you, but I have head shots that if you saw them... they're so terrible! It's so embarrassing.