I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .

I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that.