I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.