My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that.