My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.