My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they're part of the same ilk.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.