My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.