Hookers don't like to snuggle.

I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.