For college seniors there should be a week of being allowed to cry. Just break down and cry because you are scared and don't know what's next.

Social networking helps reach people easier and quicker.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."

My children love my mother, and I tell my children, that is not the same woman I grew up with...That is an old woman trying to get into heaven now.

Repeat after me. I promise not to run outside of the house. I promise not to run inside of the house. I promise not to touch, pick up, step on, anything that looks interesting.

Fatherhood is asking your son to make up a name rather than tell anybody who he is.