Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

I'm going out... because I deserve to go out! And I'm going to get drunk... because I deserve to get drunk! And get out of my way!

What's your name again? That's right. I'm so glad you know your name.

But if that's what you want to be, that's what you will be - as long as you study.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

The problem is that your daughter has given her heart to a 15-year-old boy, and a 15-year-old boy does not yet qualify as a human being.

When you graduate from college, they tell you to follow your dreams. Does anyone say you have to wake up first?