I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York... Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye!

It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.

Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

You know what I hate about working? Bosses...The very idea that ANYONE could be my boss, well...I think you see the conflict.

We are losing the 'War on Drugs,' which means there's a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.