In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.

There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.