Teenagers are bored. By everything. Show a teenager an actual volcanic eruption, in progress, featuring giant billowing clouds of smoke, hot rocks raining from the sky, lava floes destroying entire villages, etc., and the teenager, eyebrows arched with sarcasm, will look at you and say, "Gee, this is swell," then return to the rental car, turn on his portable CD player, and listen to a band called Stomach Contents.

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'

Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

When doctors describe pain as experiencing "discomfort," it's like saying Hiroshima experienced "urban renewal".