Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.

The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!

I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.