Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.