Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

My idea of 'roughing it' is when you have to have an extension for your electric blanket.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.