Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Many people are intimidated by doctors. ... People also feel stupid when they don't understand what a doctor's talking about the first time around, so they don't ask again. And let's be honest here, people. English is not a doctor's first language.

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.