Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service.

Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.