Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

God created man, but I could do better.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.