You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.