My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.