Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse.

It is difficult for people to appreciate their own laughter unless you show them some pathos along the way.

I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.

The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.

Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.

The only thing better than one of my songs is one of my songs with a glass of scotch.

Modesty in an actor is as fake as passion in a call girl.