Jay Mohr Quotes

I remember I used to go to The Laugh Factory and just goof off onstage, and then I'd see Dane Cook. He did a bit about his Mom making the bed in the summertime when he was a kid. He just said "Vroom!" and threw the sheet up in the air and the sheet would just stay over the bed for like a minute and a half. All he had were his arms out, but I could see the sheet. And he didn't do anything. He just kept it there. And I went, "I have to write more."

If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.

She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.

The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.

Yogi Berra put it best, "If people don't want to come, we can't stop them."

I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.

[Joan Rivers] is fantastic. AND SHE'S 80! There's no 80-year-old pitcher. If you're a running back and you're 28 they're like, "Oh, here he goes, turning the corner on his career, he's on the downswing..."

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.