I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.

Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.

Better laid than never.