I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.