I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

Can we talk?

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.