Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.