Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

Better laid than never.