Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.