Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.