I've made so many people angry that they kind of blur into one unpleasant memory of people staring at you with somewhere between passive aggression and active aggression.

I would hate to meet myself at 15.

Stand-up comedy seems like a terrifying thing. Objectively. Before anyone has done it, it seems like one of the most frightening things you could conceive, and there's just no shortcut - you just have to do it.

Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.

Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny. Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things are columns upon which humor is built.

I'm British, so obviously I repress any powerful emotions of any kind in relation to anything.

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'