If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight.

There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes.

I was definitely prepared for it to be slower, and it has not worked out that way in any shape or form. I'm grateful as a comedian, and slightly demoralized, occasionally, as a human being - those two things are always very different.

The British media is sinking down, as the American news media has lowered the bar for all of humanity. British news media is definitely trying to stoop down to that level. Everyone is stooping to the lowest common denominator.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.